Nan

Feeling is such a weird thing

2010-09-27T14:32:00.003+08:00

How do we have feeling for things and people? Why do we have different feeling towards different people? Is it because of the appearance that causes us to have such a vast different towards all things in the world?

I used to judge people by their look when I was young, and I realized that we all really need to judge people by their heart, and their thinking. But as I grow older, I start to understand the important of such stuff, as in we people do think differently and we have to accept everyones' idea. Just like in science, a thing or idea is never wrong unless you prove that it is. So we can't judge a person or an idea unless we know that the person or idea is wrong too.

But I'm really curious that why do I have such a different feeling towards different people, I understand that I'm being unfair and is wrong to do so. But I still react in this particular manner, is it because of I do not believe in that idea of mine, that's why I am reacting this way.

as long as majority agreeds its right

2010-08-06T21:39:00.002+08:00

There are a lot of times, that our feeling tells us that what we are doing is correct. But its because that the majority thinks otherwise, that we starts to doubt what we believed in.

Things from buying accessories to how we evaluate a person are always so closely related to "majority's" view and assumption. Even if we ourselves believe in the value of what we see, but due peer pressure, society views that we often changes our perspective to "suit" what it is being "categorized" as "correct" value of that particular object.

Recently a friend of mine is troubled that an old man is like wooing her, as she feel that he is simply too old for him, and i can sense that she is thinking that why would a old man be wooing her a young lady?

To me, I explained to her that love had no reasons and age. Few years back, an young girl that is underage told me that she likes me. But I merely tease her that she is just my "mei mei" and we became friends. The age gaps remains, but yet when a younger lady is to like an older man, you will think that its fine. But if we were to apply this on the opposite sex, then the older man will be the shameless party.

Is there a really a "shameless" word in love? Or is it the views of the society that makes you think that the older man is trying to date someone like his daughter?

Life is really something that had so many meanings, and it all depends on what view you are looking at.

Mask that we all have...

2010-07-20T00:58:00.002+08:00

Recently I have just realized something in my life, and I'm actually extremely surprised with the answer that I've justed found out. All of us, I believe have a mask, and that mask is not for protection, nor for hiding scars.

For me, I realized that this mask, is nothing but just like a hologram where we are showing things that we want ourselves to be in.

Its like, you are unset, you will show it out. But if you feel that showing "upset" it will affect other people, and a mask of "un-upset" be used. I'm trying to say, this mask is for the sole purpose of what other people wants themselves to be like because they think that it is an ideal human that they would want to be.

Thus, this mask that we are saying is not actually a mask, its more like a transition phase of what people would want themselves to be like. Just like a butterfly, they are all wearing a thick layer of heavy and ugly shell, before they can be evolved into a beautiful butterfly.

Its so happy to see kids laughing.

2010-07-13T12:21:00.003+08:00

Its really such an enjoyment to see a kid laughing, it feels so free and so happy for them you know. Maybe its because I feel that their laughter is so pure, its like all their facial expression is translated directed from their heart. You don't have the stress of doubting their emotion.

Is it true that kids are so simple, so easy to fulfill their desire? Or is it the adults that are being so complicated, greedy and sophisticate. Even thought the adults hate to be so, but their simply can't get back to those days that they have started so simple, so freely and so happily. Growing up and fulfilling empty needs, that the society wants us to be and not want we really want to be is like us being robots. Wanting to do something we dream of, but in the end most of us ended up just following the control of want the society wants us to do.

Holding onto...

2010-07-05T02:41:00.003+08:00

For the past 23 years, I think that holding onto your ideas and dreams firmly in your own hands is the most important thing that I should do in my life. And just a few seconds ago, something changed my perspective.

Holding onto something, no matter is it a person, a thought, a dream or an idea is nothing but a finish line for me. Just like any other person, without a dream or goal, I do not know what I should do, or be heading to. Thus I always find challenges for myself, to beat it, to achieve it so that I could improve me as a person. To complete my poly life with no regret, to come into university no matter what, to get a degreed. This are my hopes as I wish to be a useful person.

To sing, to win competition, to be in a performing group, to go out and perform to public, to be recognized by people. I guess I have done it, but I have somehow given it up due to some reasons.

To be an officer, to be the highest of what I can get, to hold onto that sword that I have always respected, to be able to control tens and hundreds of people, to be respected not by your rank but by your personality and charisma, is my goal for the first 20 years of my life. Like a young boy, I wished that people would identify me, and recognized me not by my achievement, but by what I really am. And I am glad that I have done it as well.

But still I am not happy with what I am right now. I feel lonely in the night, I can't seem to find a true me. My heart tells me that my dream is to be a singer, to stand on the stage, people smiling and nodding at your talent and voice. But reality tells me that I can be more useful in society then just singing.

What should I do? I is just one word by itself, signifying individuality. But what this world that I am living in talks about society, globalization, where all of us have to work as one. Not for personal gain nor satisfaction, but for the sake of everyone that is living on this world.

I am not someone great, I just what to do what I dream of to sing. But how successful can I be as compare as being a engineer? Can a word "I" be more successful then what the word "society" wants you to be? Holding onto your dreams?

2012

2010-07-02T03:21:00.003+08:00

Recently I've seen a documentary on 2012. On the surface, it seems like 2012 dec 12 is nothing but the lineament of the sun, earth and center of our galaxy, once every 25 800year.

But there are some people claims that it marks the end of the world. For example, the Maryann calendar "mexica sun stone or Aztec " is the origin of the end of the world at 2012 dec 12. As the calendar ends on that particular date.

Mayan is one of the earliest civilization in the world(around 2000BC - 250AD ), it is situated in Mexico. Record says that it is a strong civilization, but suddenly disappear. There was no reason/record that why they disappear. Their knowledge in astronomy was so advance that they have calculated that the lineament of the sun, earth and center of galaxy 3000years ago! While our technology only allow us to know of this date just a few years ago.

In the Aztec calendar, has an inter lock of lunar, solar and planetary calendar. "ku na ku" is what they call it as end of world. That the world will end and restore for 5 times. It is believe that 2012 will be the 5th time that this world will end and restore itself. But do take note, like what we see in an calendar, it always end on dec 31 every year. So similarly the Aztec says that it ends on 2012 dec 12, always means that the calendar restarts again. And no necessary means the end as in doomsday.

Just for you to know, do leave some notes on what you think about it. But please, this are still future which no one will knows about it. Please don't draw a firm line based on what you see, and not yet happen :)

trying to cheer up a friend...

2010-06-23T04:44:00.004+08:00

Today my friend throw me a question "If there is the right one for me, then why have I been meeting up with the wrong ones?"

I didn't reply her at all, as I was watching my World Cup 2010 matches. But when I came back to my computer, I saw her went offline, so I posted this on her fb, "do u believe our existence on earth is a compass of events carefully being calculated and planed or simply a string of random events that just happen for no other reason? Why among all the planets only ours have the perfect condition for us to life in? Why in our life there are so many people comes and goes? Does it all happen for a reason? or just happen for no reason at all? "

Well life is really something miracle, because it is something that we can never and ever understand. Can you tell me what all of us are born to do? We can't! Someone once told me that god had already written everyones' fate, meaning there is an expected path for all of us to take in the eyes of god. But it depends on the human themselves to choose if they would want to follow "the god's" fate or to follow their own will.

This sort of things, we can't prove it exist or not, we never will. Just like how our solar system is being created, how the universe is being created. Are all of them being created for some purpose? Who created it for that particular purpose? Or does it just happen, because of it simply just happen to do so?

Just like me, I am someone that thinks alot, but I do not allow anyone to know I am. I just want people to know that I am that cliche dude, because this weird thinking of mine, people do not understand, and do not even care. Thats why I'm always being mistaken by others, for who I am not.

So, if you are reading this, I do thank you for spending your precious moments here. But can you just tell me, in your view, does all of us exist due to some meaning & reason? or does it just happen because it just happen?

Should or should we not try?

2010-06-16T16:26:00.004+08:00

Should we try to get what we want in life? Somethings I feel that we all should try to our best ability, try to a point where we will never and ever regret it in our life. Sounds positive? Sounds motivated?

I love looking at the stars, I wish that I could reach out and touch the stars, I wish to grab the stars that I look every night into my own hands. But should I try to reach out for it every night? Should I try to grab it every time I look at it?

All of you knows that it is impossible for me to do it, but should I not try it cause its impossible?

People says I am very arrogant, i think its confident. What I believe in, I would not doubt it. What I want will fight for it. Just like reaching out for the stars, I have tried and fail.

The worst thing about failure, is not that you have failed. But the way people do not appreciate your acts, and even think that your act is simply an act of plain selfishness. Even though your act is means good to them.

So should we keep trying to do the impossible? Should we try so hard to do what others thinks that you are not? Should we spent so much time, on things that you know you will never get it?

quote of the day...

2010-06-16T07:15:00.001+08:00

There is never a right or wrong. Even if there is, it can be re-proof as long as people can proof that it is otherwise.

the surging memories haunts the emptiness in the teary eyes

2010-06-15T02:41:00.002+08:00

Was watching drama series, 偷心大圣P.S.男, and some clips suddenly made my tears rolling in my eyes. Once someone told me that I dare not face my past, that's the reason why I choose not to tell others about my past, my wound.

Its not that I dare not face, I have told myself endless time that I will never and ever had tears again. Even though I had tears rolling in my eyes I will never and ever allow it to flow out of the frame that I have once allowed it to flow out, so cheaply, so freely. It disgust me, that I was once so childish, so helpless, sitting there in a corner, hoping and wishing that she will look at me, talk to me or simply recognized my existence.

I had been bastard in the past, because of all these, and i realized that its just an endless circle. And at the end of the day, I felt ever worst that I had done all such acts simply because I felt the anger and the need of fusrated it on others.

Just to share a bit of my past, She was the brightest student, and she always top in my class, I know that she will definitely be in the top class, and thus I did all I can to simply just be with her, at least in the same class. Even though she doesn't know about this, but I'm just happy that I am in part of her secondary school like. I had once got the top 40 in the whole level before, starting from the back. And it was due to this miracle girl that had stepped into my life that I got the top 40 of my whole level just in a year. And this was what I had posted long ago for my other friend to see. http://wataname.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-sec-sch-life.html

All I want to do is that I am simply happy that I am part of her secondary school life. I am that naive, but never did I expect so much things to happen, and never did I realized that I am so stupid to think that all these are the fault of me, and only me. I've grown, no in a bad way, cause it had been a long journey and a tough one. That's why I stop doing lots of stuff that I really enjoyed, because I've grown up, I've understand what is pain, and what is my action could have simply did the same thing that had happened to me. I do apologized again to all those people, and I do appreciate everyone that had once crossed in my life because I've learn from all of you, to be just me.

happy and wishes you all the best :)!!!

2010-06-13T13:09:00.003+08:00

Just chat with past tutor, and she said that is going to be a mummy SOON!! haha really feel so happy for her now. I still could recall last year she kept telling me that she is getting old, and no one wants her. Guess what, she is now married and going to have a baby soon. Really feels that life is really so mystical, so blur, yet exciting.

Its like if I haven't msg her, I would not know that she is pregnant. Suddenly, I felt that our life is all a piece of black tainted paper. Where we have to use all our strength and curiousity to wipe the black tainted paper into a clear white paper for us to see whats the real meaning of life we wants and we are in.

Still feel so weird, last time when my tutor comes to my place, we would like go shopping after my lessons. I still remember once a security in my condo asked, "is she your girlfriend". Haha, and now she is married and a new born baby is on the way. Life is really a dazzle star, never fail to capture your attention amoung the dark blue sky...

i love my home :)

2010-06-09T21:09:00.002+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, today I'm going to introduce my lovely home!! Its called Regent ville! I really love this place, because what provided here can't be found anywhere! And that is a best neighbour!! Never have I thought that, I could like find a neighbour that we had been friends for 8 years, although we rarely see each other, but we will really help out in one another. Really feels so great about such things, hope that things is going the right way :)

tears...

2010-06-08T01:05:00.004+08:00

I realized that i am not a strong will person at all. There are so many times in life that i wish to say something out, but i simply cant. I hate this feeling, its like I'm suffocated to death. Its like a person being submerged in the water, trying to tell you his dieing wish, even though he knows that you cant hear him, he still try so hard to shout and scream his lungs out, hoping there is this gleams of light would lighten up the very thoughts in your doubt of darkness.

I dare not tell people how childish and how emotional a person i am. I always enjoy singing, not because that i have a nice voice, but i have such a surpressed emotion that i would want to voice out, to scream out to let everyone know but yet in another way not being so direct in say i am weak and i am so broken up inside out.

Have you ever seen the stars in the sky, its always been shining so brightly on us. But have you ever wonder that the stars that been shining so brightly for us is actually dieing every moment because they are shortening their lifes by shining out the very lights that some of us may even not bother to take a look? I always qustion myself, why do i try so hard, to be doubt by others, to be put down by others. My feelings, my efforts are all nothing to the person that i shower upon, no one cares about us, people only cares about things they want to. Even the stars in our very sky, willing to die just for us to take a look at, but people are all just interested in the money, carrer and dreams that they want.

No one will ever treasure you, unless you are of meaning or value, just like the tears in our eyes, we will never and ever realize that we do have tears untill the day that we really need them to flow out of our eyes, just because we need them to feel better, emotionally...

mind block, mind stuck!

2010-04-02T15:27:00.002+08:00

Been asked a qns, ever since its a disgusing period for me. Have no idea, y I felt this way, is it because I've had no idea abt the ans, or am i trying to hide the ans.

Nv been so unclear before, maybe is the past that suddenly pops out to haunted me. Still trying to tell myself, the past is the past. and the present is the present. Life nv fails to make a story out of u.

a new rise

2010-03-01T20:52:00.003+08:00

Dear all!! there is a new boy band!! called the WHITE FOREST!!! DO SUPPORT US at FMH.edu.sg!!

long long time ago...

2010-02-24T00:21:00.002+08:00

Someone once told me that to love a person, you need to love yourself first. And now I am in love with myself. Loving the way I speak, I interact and look. It really gives me the confidants that boost the guys ego you know.

But right now there is another person that tells me that I love myself too much. Love its just like a glass of half filled water, where someone can say it is "half filled" or some can say its "half empty" it only depends on where are you coming from.

In life I still believe that there is nothing such as a right or wrong answer or decision or anything. Even in the science world 1 + 1 = 2 can be wrong when someone can prove that it is wrong. So there is no definite answer to anything, only is that answer of yours really yours? As in do you think its right? Do you feel its right? Do you want it that way that contributes to the right or wrong.

Just another emo night from
Nan

culture night was nt bad after all :)

2010-02-22T17:35:00.002+08:00

I believe the culture night was one of those nights that after you graduate, you will still remember about it. It was really fun!! had dance then sing a song for the audience. What was fun to me is not the performing, but the time back stage where everyone is helping out one and other. Helping to do your hair, helping to do make up, that feeling is so nice and warm.

You know its those feelings that you feel you are wanted. And once you are out on the stage everyone is looking at you as well, finally those feelings are coming back to me :)

Actually I'm those people that cant really expressed themselves well. I don't really tell people how I feel and I cant tell people how I feel. I will always bottle it up all inside, but today I realized that I am still needed and still have a purpose in this mother earth.

its 30 min to 2010

2009-12-31T23:16:00.002+08:00

This yr i feel so helpless and useless. Yet again, the 1 mistake had cause the whole chain reaction of making me so broken. I promise, and i will not repeat this again. Yr 2010, u r getting near to 2012. I will change before its too late.

whats worthy?

2009-12-14T18:36:00.002+08:00

Is a cup of kopi worth 50c or $7? is the effort of spending countless nite on a module worth it? Is life worth living? Is the happy moments worthy of us gg through the shit times? Is it worthy?

i know, but..

2009-12-12T01:45:00.002+08:00

smoking hurts ur body, but at least i know it was a part of me before. and i enjoy u being apart of me.

I hope I can see..

2009-12-05T03:16:00.008+08:00

There are so much things that we human would want to see. Some want to see money in their possession. Other want to see their hopes and dreams coming true. But I hope I can see the clear blue sky that the world used to have it at the time that it was just created. Nothing but pure, clear, blue sky.

Those that gives you the feeling of innocent, to the extend that you would simply take a deep breath and have a great smile. As if you are flying within the paradise, touching the clouds and feeling so light and so cool...

我的泪流在心里学会放弃

2009-12-04T01:30:00.000+08:00

I was being commented that i'm easily contented

2009-12-04T00:55:00.003+08:00

Yes i am easily contented, but reality made me otherwise.

2009-11-30T12:41:00.001+08:00

i want to go where you are, i want to start running soon

Looking back...

2009-11-28T01:03:00.003+08:00

its yr 1999 when i was in sec 1 and now its yr 2009 and i'm still studying but its in uni now. 10yrs had passed and still memories lingers arnd.

Till now i still remember the will and strength that I had gathered to make it to my express stream. And till now I'm still thinking of that reason, sometime I asked is it good to be an extremist?

Fighting and going all out for the reason and meaning that you believed within yourself. It was a big step back 10 years ago, and a real waste of time and effort with a deep scar as a happy ending. But its a experience that taught me some value, some meaning in life.

Yes I have fight for it, and yes i have given everything I could possibly give. And a deep fall is the award that I get from all those hardwork. And thru this, it makes a real boy to a real man. Someone that will be able to see emotions esp pain just by looking into the person's eye. Someone that will not be so kind to others simply because he knows the agony from being treated badly.

Time is the best doc in the whole world. Only if you learn how to face it first.

whats the purpose of blogging.

2009-11-26T20:28:00.002+08:00

So I asked myself this qustion today. Whats the purpose of bloggin? especially when people SAW and laught at your english?

simple hated SAW.

focus!!

2009-11-19T01:19:00.002+08:00

Incoming Incoming!! Exams in 1 more week.

Still I can't focus on my studies. I tried ways and method to detach myself from problems and troubles but they simply come right back to me! Ironic is what life is all about. I told people not to tell me about stuff, and yet they purposely tell you right at the moment that you though you can focus on your studies.

I am really confused, am I angry with people disrupting my studies or am i too deep in the shit?

The real feelings needs to be touched and felt.

2009-11-19T00:02:00.004+08:00

Someone asked me, nan are you ok? Your nick seems emotional.

Well, at the moment I told her that I'm just trying to be emotional, so its ok. But right now having to think about it, it really makes me realized something. If you had never been into a hole, would you understand or feel that sort of feelings? Like the deep well that you see above, do you know how it look like deep down there? You will never and ever get the answer till you have reached the real end of the story i guessed.

seeds to flower

2009-11-18T13:22:00.006+08:00

Its really funny in life that we never think that somethings would happen, and we assume that it would not have any effect on you.

But as time passes by, its like a seed that grows in your heart, it does not but gets on growing within you. Even if you wished to pluck it out at that instance it simply wouldn't allow you to, as it had been rooted to your inner self without you realizing it. Its until the very moment that you could felt the pain of the flower's root growing deeper and deeper into you till it hits where it hurts the most, where the razor sharp pain actually woke you up in your day dream. That you realized all along you have been missing all those precious moments.

If you would be given a choice to choose any letter to represent you, what would it be? I would never and ever choose the letter 'O'. Whats yours??

feeling totallt like a loser!!

2009-10-02T17:48:00.001+08:00

HATE MUGGIN! PERIOD

feeling the kicks...

2009-09-17T02:21:00.003+08:00

Had been doing discrete maths for 4hrs a day for abt a week, and still i'm at chap3. Feeling so stupid nowadays...

its like in the past, I could simply understand maths within a few hours, but nowadays i need a few days or even a few weeks to understand maths... I seriously feel so depressed about it.

Everyday when i woke up, i know i have to study, and yet i dun feel like. I got so many things that I want to say it out but i know i need to keep it deep down in me. Why do we human needs to be so intellect? Knowing the logic or the reason of how to be successful and sacrifice the happy moments in our lifes. Life is such a irony... its juz like roses where all the outsiders would only see how wonderful our life is, but not knowing beneath the beauty of the roses are years and years of torturing torns that had been drilled into our very core steams of each of the roses...

life is reali a messed

2009-09-13T02:15:00.002+08:00

I am so damn freaking frastrated at how things are, they are all simply obsticals that you have to cross! Cant things be enjoying a bit? fun a bit and less torturing? this is world!! nt a living hell!! so damn pissed!!

2 faces...

2009-09-04T09:37:00.003+08:00

Are you a 2 face person? Sometimes I am in such a dilemma, like how should I react to certain situation? Did I handle this matter correctly? Should I do it morally correct? or should I do it the way I want it or like it?

There are so many choices in life, and each decision you made will conclude what type of person you are. This is what I believe in, but there are so many times that I just wanting to do things the way I would want or like to! Just like a kid that has the freedom to show their expression and their behaviour. Isn't it so nice to be just a kid...

u can bring the cow to the water, but its the cow that decides whether to drink or not

2009-08-20T11:38:00.006+08:00

Sometimes I do wonder, why do some cow, when you bring them to the water, they still doesn't wish to drink it? Especially when the cow is thirsty!

Recently, I do also realize that what a stupid cow am I was for the past few years of my life. And due to this cow, I realized to be more cautious about my own choice of word and body language.
Till now, I'm still wondering why the cow does such a thing. Is it because that the cow is not sensitive enough? Or is it what the people used to say that the cow skin is simply too thick?
So far, I do admin that I dislike the cow. But still I'm trying to lead the cow to the water, reason being, I used to be a cow too. And I feel that I am a cow now as well! But I'm trying real hard to change the fact.

But currently, this cow seems like it’s showing me some syndromes that it wants to retaliate, despite the effort that all of us had been trying to bring the cow to the water. The reason why am I blogging this, is that I'm wondering should I simply ignore this cow? Erm... maybe I should just play xi nu nia (wash milk) game, at least it had more entertaining value.

I HATE MYSELF!!

2009-05-23T00:33:00.003+08:00

Last sem, i was reali spendin all the effort that i could gather for a module. N I still got an D for it.

Sumtimes i reali feel that i'm so screwed!! I gv up on my hobbies like singing, pools, clubing for my studies. N still i screw things up. What do i hv to do? I'm serious nt cut for studies.

Its not that i'm tryin to push all the blame, but i'm seriously tired of this. I juz wan to be tt ave. joe. That guy that can join his live the way he wans it. Not rich, not famous, but happi. R we all heading to a wrong direction in life??

Dragon ball!!

2009-05-05T00:10:00.002+08:00

Recently i've resume back to my green life. Left with 35 more days. So with the 35 days of my live being tied to green, i've tried to "tu dou" some interesting stuff to kill some of my time. Guess whats in the TOP list? haha... TATA!! DragonBall!!! If u r lazing arnd aft exams, pls try this anime!

Its reali gre8 to c this anime, i still remember i was primary5 when i see the dragonBall Z movie in the cinema. Now it reali brings back lots of childhood memories. Feeling so gd to be young again. hoho!!

war of the 1 small poplation vs 2 larges population.

2009-04-21T11:35:00.001+08:00

the war condition here is bad
we hv been bombarded by the enermy air, land , sea force
n the enermy had vastly outnumber us
do send us reinformance asap
i repeat ASAP!!!!

3 cases 2 weeks n now 1 incredible tales

2009-04-04T19:02:00.002+08:00

Recently it seems that my sch is sort of in a very bad shape. Ironically, hv any1 heard of any toks being made clear to all of us?

I had always been taught in my training sch back in the green days that, the reason for a leader is to command and control ur man n rumors. Is it true that smart ppl dun need leadership? Juz sit back n wait for "results" and not to "speculate" about things. Its reali a smart move not to "speculate" but by choosing that method u hv caused tens and thousands to "speclate" now. Mr Alex. I mean Mr Smart.

hopeless helpless..

2009-03-31T03:21:00.004+08:00

guess that mostly everyone hv tasted the hopeless helpless feelings in their lives. But this time round, i feel it with a topping of restless.

Simply, everyday u work like a horse, or a dog. Trying to get as much things into ur head, tt seems so slow nowadays. To a point that u can actually feel the vain poping out. N yet u still dun understand a single thing. Sometimes the elder do say that u need to try and strave to be better. But i guess when u r in an environment where everyone simply standing on top of u, n stepping u down like a stone. U simply dun wish to be any more better, as u simply will become a better stepping stone n period.

Day by day passes, n the things i loved, i like doing r all leaving me further n further away. Ironic, things tt i detest are inching their way nearer to me. Day by day passes, and i can c the clock ticking, n this clock had a label called armagadon. tick tick tick....

Singout 09

2009-03-22T20:32:00.002+08:00

Hv u all heard of this event? this great, fantastic event is being held by my most beloved music sch called Music Story, on top of it. This yrs organizing party are made up of the most talented and hardworking crew that i hv ever knew! do catch a glimse of such wonderful event. its like a eclipse where some ppl could onli get to c it once in a LIFETIME!!

http://www.76neilroad.blogspot.com/

confussed and confussed...

2009-03-16T19:00:00.002+08:00

Recently i hv mixed emotion. so mixed up that i simply dun noe what i'm so messed up. I dun noe what i'm thinking, i'm feeling. When i sit down i feel y am i sitting down, when i took a bus as usual i will wonder y am i in this bus? when i buy some food and eat, i will wonder y do i get this food? shld i eat it now? or keep it later? i hv no judgement at all, i cant make anymore decisions, i feel weak, i feel simply confussed.

tennis 3mths ago...

2009-03-08T18:41:00.001+08:00

This is my hall tennis team!! haha... reali had a fun time tgt. Hope times can juz stop.

calculator week = cocker-na-den week

2009-02-26T14:39:00.005+08:00

Look up there. This is how ur calculator shld look like inside. i spend around 124hrs thinking how to do it. This sch is simply sick!! Rite now, i grave for outings, grave for toking cock, grave for walking in the streets, grave for fun. :(

Still aft spending so much time, my calculator is still not complete. But i simply gv up this calculator for the time being. Now i need to go back to study my other modules. lol!! sch is simply sick. How i wish i can be a person who simply dun care abt studies, who can skip sch n skip all the works. Y am i always tt guy tt hate to lose? hate to admin tt i am 2pid.

N guess by the hate for being stupid juz made me stupid, and made me a geek. LOL. but i do love being a geek!! GEEK = gd person. no lust for money, no lust for power, no lust but knowledge. GEEKY = GOOD. tts y its all starting wif 'G'. G-man. GeekyMan...

random

2009-02-18T07:10:00.001+08:00

well, its another insomnia nite. So i decide to blog. N this fellow here is me! Its a very random pic that i took and wanted to put as my DP. but guess my nose is too big currently. So decided not to. LOL. Tts all. Juz being random

Nan's study table DISCLOSED

2009-02-09T08:28:00.003+08:00

I missed my dear table at home. My coffee is always free, my air-con is always ready, my ultra-man will always encourage me. lol! sounds gay uh~ but wif a mind tt u simply hate study, tt 2pid ultra-man will suddenly transformed into an angle tt encourages u to study. espcially when exams are near. Last but no least, my kinky red spec!! bought it for so long, but nv wear it out be4. lol. no guts to do tt, guess next party i will be goin there n be Mr. Kinky~

Well, last week was a torture as i need to hand in projects. This week too is another project hell week. N guess wat, by the time i realized tt i've finish my project, i hv no idea wats my lecture note is telling me!

hard disk crash. memories lost.

2009-01-26T16:38:00.004+08:00

this new yr reali means alot of me. I vowed aft my army i will be a changed man, i vowed to be a careing person. I dun wish to see any more tears being shed so helplessly. And somehow recently my hard disk crashed, with all my memories being sorted inside. Is it telling me its reali time to let go? and be free?

To be frank, i feel like a cold blooded animal ever since army. I cant feel wats called emotion anymore. In my dictionary there is nothing called fear, sad, emo, ect...
there is only words like eat, slp, study, play, ect...

Its kind of weird, but things do happen. Something i juz feel that we feelings arise becuz we think too much. Juz like if u like a person tell her. wld tt solve ur problem of emo?

If cant, is it becoz u think too much possibility that somehow somewhere she will like u back?.Or maybe one day magical things juz happen and she will like u back?

Time is now my enermy, time at the same time its my dearest friend. I cant waste any of my dearest friend anymore, n i hv to treasure them. If i were to tell time that i hate u, coz u waste my life for the past 22yrs. Does it mean that i hv to fight back for wat i've lost? n be tt someone i wished to be? I simply juz wan to be free, n be myself. I love freedom, n i hope freedom loves me.

Geting older.

2009-01-24T00:22:00.002+08:00

Erm, this yr is kind of a surprise for me. Coz i'm getting 1 yr older rite on CYN day!!

So there will be thousand and thousands of ppl counting down my bday this yr. Remember to see the TV!! n count down my bday tgt!! lol~

Batam 2008

2009-01-07T14:46:00.004+08:00

Its 7 days into the year 2009, and i am juz free to upload my Batam 2008 trip pics. LOL!

Actually i kind of like 2008. Its a yr tt i reali made a lot of new friends. New weird friends like naggy evelyn tt keep saying i'm naggy. Joyce tt is always like a big sister even thou she is younger than me. Chris that i reali learn a lot, learn how to communicate better. To be frank i'm someone tt reali dun noe hw to speak my mind, and it always end up me leaving impression that i am actually planning to do other things. If u dun get it? Its ok. LOL!

New friends like tony, jeremy, jasmint, jamie, leon, calvina, NELSON!!- "auto MJ kia" and reali a lot a lot more. Reali brings me back to my younger days. Where money is nt a problem, and no one is back stabling you. LOVE the time.

Ok! now back to batam pic. Pls enjoy~!

Enjoying the donut?

ITs like.... NICE!!

A&W breakfast! Can u hv 1 nw?

Nice view uh? including me

Sweet living hut!!

Batam 08 crew member

I LOVE WAKE BOARDING!!! >.<

Naruto thinking what to do....

YA!!!!!!!! sumon frog JISU!! WOO!!

1 FROG appear!!

It was a fun time in batam. Hope can go back again n do wake board. hope yr 2009 will be a gd yr for all of us.

A day in NTU

2008-12-09T01:01:00.003+08:00

Well it seems tt i am hving holiday n its reali nth to do.

So i decided to post one of the videos i taken during lessons. LOL!!

Pls dun get the wrong idea tt i am so hardworkin tts y i take down the video. It becoz the words tt they r teaching in r nt for locals. So i nid to video it dwn n understand it. DAMN even i noe chinese its useless. I shld hv take up tamil as well!

i look so GAY!!

2008-12-08T01:44:00.005+08:00

haha... r u wondering wat i had done to my hair?? lol.. actually i went n dye it last week.

But onli manage to post it now. Was so damn gay la, sitting there like a tai tai.

Makes me feel like a girl!

The worst thing, the color of my dye is NOT WAT I WANT!!

Now i look like a golden lion, n feel like a girl, n been a fool sitting on a chair for HRS!!

I HATE GAYS PERIOD

this world is crazy!

2008-11-20T18:57:00.003+08:00

In the past, everything hv a purpose on earth. For survival.

Now everthing on earths is for money! YES MONEY! They can simply do anything for MONEY! Look at sars, where chicken is killing people. Yet people r so native to believe that it is generic problem that new disese like sars that is causing this plauge. FYI, it all started because farmer wants to cut cost on feeding the chicken, tts when they uses dead animals left overs and mixed it with seeds to feed the chicken. Tts y the chicken is sick.

In order to produce eggs, sick chicken are being kept tgt, and thus the illness is spread. Once the chicken is dead, they sell their DEAD body for money.

Same for mad cow, sick cow that "cant walk" are being sold to slaughter house to be processed into the mad cow meat that we consume.

Now the milk, do u noe wat happen? In china, milk are being categorized into grades. The one with more protine are in the higher grade. So what do the smart alex, go n add in "caramai" which is a substance that u used to produce plastic spoons into it. So that a higher proteint milk can be produced, and a higher cost can be sold.

So aft all these, do u noe who is tt damn asshole that is casusing all these problem? MONEY MONEY MONEY!! That greedy face, tt ugle and disgusting and filty shit MONEY is the cause!!

But wat can i do? Simply tell ppl tt i hate money and then gv it away? N wat will be the result of tt? me being a begger and no one simply gv a damn abt me who cares so much for them?

Now i noe the problem n i cant solve it? Am i 2pid? Can u solve it? Ppl do things to earn more this is the simple logic. I cant blame them, but if there is no money do u think ppl will work so hard then? What world am i living in? What believe do i hold? its all meaningless now, if i hv my pride, my honour, my duty, i will be a begger rite at this moment that i am saying. N this blog wun be seen.

But rite nw i am sitting comfortably in my room, enjoying musice, aircon n my hot cup of coffee all due to money. So am i a filty shit asshole? Do u noe where our money is used for exchanged in our comfortable socialty? Ppl in afraica now is farming for the sack of eating 1 grain of rice, n wat did i do in the exchange of hving such a gd life? Stoning while i am working? act blur and avoiding all the arrows in my office?

Can u c a world like this aft a hundred yr? I can onli c chaos and madness being roamed arnd the whole world.

Found the pic tt i wan

2008-11-16T19:09:00.001+08:00

Anyone knows any place where i can print an picture onto the shirt?

count dwn to D-day

2008-11-12T01:42:00.002+08:00

Studied days - 14days

module studied - 2

knowledge level - 0

exam day - 22hrs later

I AM GOIN CRAZY!!!

WHY UNI THINGS CANT UNDERSTAND ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

55 marks..

2008-11-07T01:21:00.002+08:00

got a 55 for my econs. was so shock when i got back the result... :( feeling so helpless at this moment when exam is abt 5 more days???

Nv did i tot that i could score so low, still dreaming of gettin an 80 when the result is a 55. something is wrong wif my understandin. DEADMAN WALKING...

1 more A into my collection

2008-11-05T02:22:00.003+08:00

This week got back a quiz result which i got a B for maths

And 1 more A+ for my programming.

Uni is reali a shit place for geeks. Hate the smell of geeky geek. I simply dun belong to where i am. But nvm, human always survive on changes anrd them. so CHANGE!!

Exam in 1 weeks time, stress like hell. My study place is like a battlefield now. My beds and floors are all filled with papers. I am too shame of posting tt scene here, the scene of how a real man's room shld look like. haha.. its in our man instinct to be messy, i cant help me but be a man u noe.

its always a joy thinkin back..

2008-10-22T11:24:00.002+08:00

lol.. was laughing all the way thru when i saw this clip again.

Its reali fun!! hw i wish i could go back time and enjoy those moments... But reality is always hash. Time for studies and a long holiday break is waiting for me... eerrmmmm ERH!!

feeling sinful!

2008-10-10T02:42:00.003+08:00

This week, i reali gv up in studyin. Too mani n too little tt i understand. Did not touch any of my notes or homework. haha... feeling so sinful. N worst of all exams r comin up!! Juz had supper wif friends n played a game of DOTA. Its reali so fun to reali enjoy fun without thinkin of all the work tt nids to be done. LOL!! I nv feel so free, shld be more hack care abt studies! no pain no stress!! n TONS TONS of FUN!!

VIDEO!!!

2008-10-07T00:47:00.002+08:00

Received this video frm my friend, i dare not view till 1 mth later.. LOL!!

cock ups!!

2008-10-06T23:00:00.003+08:00

Had a test 2day. but din manage to do it well. feeling reali veri dwn, moody n useless.

Sometimes i juz hate the idea tt i actually lose to an mainland ppl, or an indian. Yes i admin tt i am arrogant. But tts my pride! I dun wan to lose to indians, i dun wan to lose to mainland. I wan to be the best. and i guess i can onli be the worst...

1st test in Uni, 1st A in Uni

2008-09-29T23:18:00.004+08:00

Lol. Finally my 1st A for my 1st test. Actually its an A- la. Not reali an A. Update soonz.... Uni is reali tough~

Looking back...

2008-09-27T01:46:00.003+08:00

Erm... today was the day my brother going to Reading and study for his masters in finance risk management. Me too wanted to study finance, but i was forced to study engin...

Anyway tt part of my faith had been decided so lets not tok abt it. Well, i was at airport today. And suddenly i realized my thinking, behavior and everthing is so much different when i was 2 yrs ago! Maybe its reali army tt had shaped me into a better person! haha.. But to friends tt had reali noe me well, i am still me afterall.

Sounds confussin? haha.. Let it be then. I am always confussed abt things...

Happy happy n still happy~~

2008-09-23T13:02:00.002+08:00

Was peeping thru evelyn's blog and i spot this gd news!! In this issue of Mag "U" there is the write ups on the "be a star"!!

And here is the write up on XAJE and "mo tian lun"!! The feeling of knowing this is reali gre8!! haha.. finally some results can be seen after so long of hardwork. JIA YOU!! Hope that one day all our dreams can turn into reality. In the mean while, time for proj. and studies.

Till one day where all effort our efforts can be crystalized into something that we are all proud of!!!

Toilte in HK

2008-09-22T02:18:00.003+08:00

Do you noe tt in HK there will be this device located in the cubical where you can use to clean the seats for your toilte bowl!!

Basically u nid to place a tissue under this device where it will realese a cleaning gel for you to wipe on the seats of the toilte bowl. How thoughtful rite!!

Those were the days...

2008-09-22T01:53:00.005+08:00

My birthday bash on 27th Jan 06

Si Chun's birthday bash on 20th May 06

Bryan's birthday bash on 05th Jun 06

But where is my beloved zi jie... Now when i looked back at things. It feels that i am reali neglecting a lot of matters. My old friends, my families, all my love ones. Suddenly i feel so empty, so shallow. So many people is going overseas, so many people is going their own ways. Yes its for their best, but i just miss those days where we could juz sit arnd tokin cock.

Those were the days....

And now we are apart... (I am holdin the camara anyway. Too bad i am not INSIDE!!!)

Time For relaxation n world of sins...

2008-09-11T20:21:00.003+08:00

Well, had a relaxation day ytd and 2day!! lol!! finally i hv sorted out tt i cant be the best of who i am anymore i guess! lol!

Btw in the mornning i had my tennis sessions, aft which i came back to my room and slp. Then me and my friend when to had steamboat dinner.

Then few days ago, we went n had this nice looking ice cream! n i am reali tellin u frankly tt it is a nice looking ice cream n tts all. Actually we had tasted some oth favours, n it actually taste fantasty!! Its juz tt i pick the wrong combination tt day n every taste of it was a torture~ lol...

Back to topic, aft the steamboat dinner, had a nice MJ session n won abt 12 dollars. LOL n thinkin abt money i still remember my chalet 16 dollars.. keke... still hv not taken it back.

Erm, and 2day had skip some lectures to play my tennis again. Then had a nice japanise dinner, and is typing my blog now as i am eating. Had my wonderful cup of coffee wif me rite now.

Finally i feel so much like a human tt reali loves himself. Althou no more singing, no more performing, no more ppl lookin at me. But i am happi tt i can now drink my cup of coffee wif a peaceful mind. Maybe thinkin back abt my sec. sch life as well... lol.. tts is where i started to be hooked by coffee btw. hehe... sweet n sour i guess. i mean the coffee? who noes.

I GIVE UP!!!

2008-09-05T21:13:00.003+08:00

I've reached a pt of my life where i reali feel its the end of all possible gd things happening to be now.

Last week there was a ice cream party in my room, and some bad thing tt is reali beyond words happened in my room.

This week, i had a throat infection on monday and i hv to sing on tue. Guess wat, i feel so insulted when i first open my mouth. Nv did i feel so insulted.

After which on wed, my friend asked me for supper and ended up at yishun juz for a gal. And i wasted so much time actually doing low bo stuff.

Thur i went and wash up at 4am in the morning aft finish my study, and guess wat some mother fucker son come into my room and steal my bloody h.p!!!

Fri i went n get my replacement of SIM card at PS, n the person who sign up is actually my mum. N i cant do a fuck thing abt it, and walk off like a 2pid fool.

Now its 9.20pm. Fri, i still had tonns of work where i reali nid to learn. Test on next week, project need to submit in 3 weeks time, lab reports to be submit in 2 weeks time.

Guess i am someone to like to complain? lol. i dun noe to laugh or cry.

A tough day everyday~

2008-08-27T01:00:00.002+08:00

2day had joined some hall activities. Join kind of too much, i had snooker at first, then badmiton and guess wats next? CHEER LEADING!!

Haha... kind of fun! been too bz with sch work, its like working arnd the clock!! Tml can finally spare sometime with Jude to discuss on my singing or "be a star". Well the semi is on 2nd SPE for me? And i hv no idea wats going to happen next?

Kind of feeling weird now, as in things had been happening so fast now. And i really wish to go into genting. Well, its always the case that when i really wish something can happen, it will go the oth way. Guess it will be diff this time rnd.

A weird time a weird world.

2008-08-23T02:46:00.006+08:00

Salvador Dalí: Disintegration of Persistence

The orginal picture of the clock melting i personall think is the Disintegration of Persistence, by Salvador Dalí which is an spanish.

I'm nt trying to act veri knowledgible, but when i look at things nw. All the stuff tt i do seems like the 2nd picture of melting clock. It seems tt i am living in a life tt i hv lots of time, as there is no ending in a clock. It juz goes rnd n rnd. But this freedom of time is melting away, i can no longer see myself planning any thing else using the "clock".

All the times i used to hv r like fading away. Fading into a veri blury world, a world tt every things seems to melt. Including urself, melting into this world of endless unknown world.

U can see the world n urself melting into this unknown world, but u juz cant help it but see it melt away...

Little bad things can help u gain more stuff...

2008-08-22T10:11:00.005+08:00

Cigarette is bad!! veri bad!! it causes ur teeth to be.... So pls dun start, coz sometimes u juz cant help to kiss it one more time. n one more n one more n one more n one....

...

2008-08-18T03:31:00.004+08:00

When i c xin guan 3 i reali hv some tears in my eyes. Althou i noe it feels a bit gay, but i do feel something tt reali coz me to feel so touched, and yet feel so bad when i c the performing. This is 1 of them. I hv no idea y, but sometimes i juz dun noe wat to do. Like its 3.40am now, i hv no idea wat i wan to do rite now.

I always tell ppl tt i dun noe wat voice i had, i reali hv no idea. I dun noe who i am when i sing, i dun wat i wan to be when i am singing, i hv no idea wat i am doing when i am singing. I feel so confussed, n i reali hv no time left for me to keep changing and keep learning more.

Sometimes there r 2 things tt r equally good, or there is even more tt u reali hv no idea wat to choose. Wat suits u, wat belongs to u.

I wan to be myself, i always wan to sing a song tt belongs to me. I always wan to sing songs tt has a version of my very own. But rite now, i am lost. I hv no idea hw i shld sound like anymore, i hv no idea wats the meaning of my very own version of song. I hv no idea of everything.

My sch = hell + liar

2008-08-17T23:55:00.004+08:00

Nv in my life had i studied so much and i still feel so 2pid!!

I am seroius!! In the past i will studied and noe all the things, but now i study all the notes n i still noe nuts!!!

The style is like they teach u 70% on how to work a thing out, but the remaining 30% they DUN TEACH!!! i reali wan to &^%#^*&(() them up!! I PAID SO MUCH N THIS IS THE STANDARD I GET??

Reali damn fusrated!! I nid to think so much to solve something!! Go google, go wikipedia. Then wats the used of me buying so MANY NOTES!! WHEN THE NOTES DUN EVEN HELP!!!!

No onli the place i live in cheats my money, the uni tt i goes in does the samething!! EVERYWHERE I GO PPL ALSO WAN TO CHEAT MONEY!!! CHEATERS!!! LIARS!!!

who am i?

2008-08-16T14:21:00.005+08:00

Hv u all ever has this feeling tt u r lost, and u r so mixed up tt u simply hv no idea who u r? or wat u wan to do?

Do u ever qns urself on wat do u reali wan? and how much can u reali make it happen?

R u some1 tt will face reality or live in ur fantasy? Can fantasy reali become reality?

Althou i always do things wif a mentality that things happen for a reason, and u hv to hold on to every reason in ur life, ur stlye, ur very own life of ur very individual. Coz everyone is special in their very own ways.

So what do u think? By thinkin so, r u reali living a life of ur very own? A life of no one pinning hope on u, a life tt no one is looking up on u. A life tt is untainted by anyone, a life tt u r actually for once living for ur ownself. It does sound selfish, but doesn't a individual life belongs to oneself?

If u were to look arnd u, how mani ppl r actually doing things of their dreams, ideas, hopes? Ppl r merely doing things becoz they r being forced by socialty to do so.

Imagine tt we are living in africa do u think we will be going to any shopping malls to buy cloths? Do u think we will be discussing shld we buy nike or addidas? Do u think we will be talking abt soccer, olymics?

Tts is a life of an very individual in my eyes, a life tt is untatinted by socialty, by hopes of millions, tt is a "pure" life.

But once again i am glad tt i hv a PC in my air-con room. Rather then trees and flies arnd me. lol. Life is juz so irony, n we can onli say its hopes of millions tt brings us to who we r now. Hopes of our fore-fathers, hopes of millions of ppl tt hv lost their lifes to protect the small island tt we hv. For all these hopes, and the socialty we shall once again dip our heads into this endless hole...

the light in halls...

2008-08-14T22:08:00.002+08:00

I am starting to c some lights by stayin in halls...

Lol... Was sort of fun today, had a soccer match wif the hall ppl and got 2nd place. Haha, old man still can play OK!!

But juz nid to tune in back to my usual life. Still hv some greeness in me, tryin my best to juz forget and for go such a color. YUCKS!! now i noe y i hate ppl believing in green, esp on every day of a week i dun mean i hate tt day but, infact i love tt day! Coz it always represent FUN when u r working. ya i juz hate things tt is associated wif green, including them. PEACE!!

My suggestion, y dun change ur color? Even singapore believe in our color! Red packets any1?

Mixed feelings

2008-08-13T02:42:00.003+08:00

I am hving mixed feelings nw. U noe sumtimes when ppl of tt u think is good hv high hopes on u, esply when their r willing to gv in their times and effort juz for u. U will feel so hw too blessed.

But at the same time, u feel weird. As in u will hv stress plus excitments, which is kind of funni sort of feelings. Nw i feel like i am in a grp competition, onli tt i nid to show or perform alone, but its sort of a team effort. Althou things hv nt started yet, but i juz feel tt i am too blessed wif such a gd chance. And i reali dun think tt i shld deserve it, coz nv in life had i had such a gd deal happen.

Mixed up + stress + lost + confuss is nt goin to get me anywhere. I juz nid time to sort out issues.

Rite nw, my 5 yrs plan had to make some changes, n this is nt wat i had in mind. All the best Chun An.

journey to the center of the earth

2008-08-10T02:59:00.003+08:00

Thumbs up and tons of laughter!!

Reali had a good laught, infact its my 1st laughter this week. Its such a nice thing to reali relax and had a good laught. keke~~ like this feeling.. Go and catch this movie and relax ur mind, let ur imagination run wild wif this cute and fairy tale like comedy!!

Suddenly i think of "Y SO SERIOUS?"

Does faith show us our paths?

2008-08-09T13:32:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i reali wonder does faith reali show us our paths?

Welcome to Beijiing:
Guess i no nid to futhur explain it i guess, is faith telling me to stop my course? Is faith telling me that this is not meant for me? I hv no ans but to follow the singapore system faith, r u showing me some other signs?

Ulcer at this moment:
I woke up this mornning feeling some pain in my throat, and when i see the mirrow, i saw some white spot on my throat. ITS AN ULCER!! Guess i am not faithed to go into the next rnd of my "be a star". The contest is on the coming tue, and rite now i hv this ulcer GROWING on my throat. LOL worst of all, mr smart alex me pick a high key song. FAITH is reali aginst me rite now i guess. Or shld i follow wat faith is telling me? and juz walk over my day??

SMS received:
Receive 1 sms to change location for my contest. Shld i change the idea of going for it too? Faith is indeed telling me something i guess. Its all up to me or faith now. The battle had began...

Notes Notes Notes...

2008-08-07T00:20:00.004+08:00

Bought my 1st set of notes for today, n it actually can cost up to $23!! Its reali WTF, as it what the fresh set of notes it is... lol!! Then when back home to get other stuff like fans and printers. Luckly gt Spiderman my friendly neighbourhood hero to help out on my transport, althou i hv to pay, but was reali thankful. By the end of the days, i guess i had to showcase my $23 worth of notes. So as to make the notes more useful.

Mr Hall 10.

2008-08-06T00:03:00.005+08:00

Ladies, gentleman and children of all ages...

Let me introduce u to hall 10's desk. tata!!

Tts my desk, my new laptop, my albums, my speakers and my PSP!! lol... and tts abt all as of now. There will be more books, papers and red mark test papers to come... lol... hope to c some flying colors on some papers as well. and tts abt all of today. cya next time!!

Shld be there..

2008-08-05T11:32:00.003+08:00

Erm... Its like 11.33a.m. and i shld be somewhere in boon lay. But guess wat? i am now lazing arnd in my hougang home. Haha... Cute uh this pic. Makes me think back my sec sch days... >.<

Y dont u all make a guess is this dog a male or female?? gals.. pls dun stare there!!

Beijing Olymics...

2008-08-05T00:51:00.002+08:00

Welcome to Beijing Olymics 2008!! This is the msg when i went for the 1st lesson!! Cool uh... Look at them!! Its so... so... "CUTE"

I simply LOVE my course and cant WAIT for wats going to happen next!! Guess wat, i think i am hearing timberlake singing "i'm loving it" yes u r nt see things, pls dun see "i'm loving it" to "cry me a river" coz i do not mean it tt way.

The mascots, they r juz so.... KIIIIIIIII U TE.

P.S. I mean cute, if u pronouce it rite not KILL :)

inSomia... Again..

2008-08-04T06:20:00.003+08:00

Pls... i reali wish to slp... Sch starts 2day, and its 6am and i am still unable to slp... Sometimes its reali frasrating. Sometimes u wish to slp, but u cant. And some times u wish tt u can be more awake but u r slpy. Things juz not goin rite for me. Poor poor me.

Unsure...

2008-08-03T17:50:00.002+08:00

Feeling kind of uncertain abt my life. I hv no idea wat will happen and hw i will deal wif my life in the next 4 yrs.

I always like to say that i always planned my life 5 yrs ahead, but even thou i am still within my plan. But i still feel uncertain abt things. Like uni, i had lots n lots of admin problems, n deal to all these admin issues i hv no confident in myself. I feel like i am like an unwanted ball that is being thrown arnd. U noe tt feeling that ppl asked u to wait and they sort out the issue? i noe its the leasp in the admin. But the sight of it is juz so frasrating for me.

No matter wat happen, i still had to sticked wif my nxt 5 yrs plan. I simply hate this socialty. This socialty that demands paper achievements, but i cant help but to accept it. I am juz a useless junk, that cant do anything but to accept this faith.

i wan car!!

2008-08-01T13:10:00.002+08:00

I wan a car to drive now!! and i will rent 1 pretty soon... coz i gt a hall in NTU!!

lol... rite now i am checkin wherther hall 14 is a gd place to stay in. If it is... hehe... CAR AND HALL I AM CAMING!!!

TP today!!

2008-07-31T14:24:00.003+08:00

Having my TP in abt 2 hrs time, i feel so excited yet so scare. Scare that i fail again!!

Was kind of sad now, wanted to find someone to tok to. So that i can calm myself down, or at least to stop me from hving the negertive feeling that i will fail. But the problem is there is no one!! all seems so bz, onli left me and myself so free and so scare of the uncertain future. Reali hate this feeling, this feeling of uncertaincy. Its been so long since i feel so uncertain, its been yrs since i hv no idea wat to do. Its like u r standing infront of the a crowd and u dun even noe where to put ur hand.

I feel so shameful of me not knowin wat to do. Be a man, and take the LEAD!! pls.

A new laptop!

2008-07-31T00:32:00.003+08:00

Hoho!! gt a new acer laptop!! haha.. nowadays i reali dun care abt brand anymore, as long as its good = MINE!! well this laptop come wif HD 14.1" screen, 4G Ram and 2.56Ghz core 2 dual. I feel i spent a bit too much u noe.

As in i have a Quat-core CPU at home with an 24" screen + cutting edge graphics card and processor alreadi. Still i am not statified but to get such an high end laptop again. Haiz... IF onli i were to get my laptop in the 1st place instead of the cutting edge technology CPU i wld feel so much better. Now i am hving 5k less coz of wat i spent. ITS ALL MY MONEY!! HEART PAIN>>>

day 4 without greeny

2008-07-28T22:06:00.003+08:00

Mon Nite, warm

Saw xuan's comment that i shld not look back at those days with greeny and carry on my life as a new chapter. U noe sometimes when u life wif something for so long tt u juz cant help thinking back?

LOL!!! sry, i nid to be sentimental ya. It has been the 4th day, and only then did i receive my offical life(MY PINKY!) to start things fresh. Looking back at those days, its like been living in a well. A well that had kept me from the outside world, a world tt i feel it belongs to me but yet being taken away from me forcefully. Althou i will miss the well once a while, but i think i will spent most of the time cursing and swearing at the biggest fami"LY" here in my country. coz i simply dislike their way of taking care things in this famiLY here.

the 3rd day without green

2008-07-28T04:02:00.003+08:00

Sunday, midntie

Its 4am now, and i am still awake. No one online, no good music on the radio, no more things for me to worry, no more stress.

Feeling sort of happy, but a bit useless. U noe, there is times that u wan to do something, but there is simply nth for u to do? that sort of useless feeling? is not those type that u feel helpless that u cant make something out of ur life, but those feeling that u noe this period of abt a few weeks u reali hv nth to do but to do nth? sounds chim?

guess life is so unpredictable, as in u cant plan out ur life at times. Things juz happen, and u gt nth left in u but to submit to it. To accept tt this is wat others called faith. Guess there is reali some times that i hv to admin that i am juz a normal human being. I hv my weakness and i hv my feelings. I am made of flesh n blood, i am a complicated creature that is able to make something out of nth. Able make nth out of something that is so useful as well. I can make a building out in the desert, i can also make a beauty rain forest a huge grave yard.

I heard this saying today, by some prof. in the US that had juz recently passed away. He told his student in his lecture named "the last lecture" and there is infact a book called "the last lecture" by him. He did mention wat i state above, that he too is juz a human, there is things that he had completed and achieve and things that he can only "dream" that he can do it.

He once state in his lecture that life is like playing cards. U cant change the card that u are being deal with, but u can change the way u play with it. I find this phase very meaningful.

There is another thing that he mention that i was so enlighten with. He says: " in life there is many obsticals, and all these obsticals r like bricks, they r there to stop ppl. And in life,ppl wld want to achieve lots and even tons of achievements. But if u reali wan to get something, u wld do watever it takes to accomplish it, no matter how hard it is. Then these bricks that we mention so far are obsticals to stop those ppl tt r fighting with u for the achievements u wan, and not there to stop u.

Guess by the end of the day, i am still a child, a kid. I always want to do something great by thinking and planning so many stuff. But listenin to his "obstical" i feel that, i am still not so determine enuff in my life. Because i still treat obsticals as bricks that wld stop me, and not others. Maybe if one day i feel that bricks r meant to stop others, then will i feel that i hv reached the ideal starting state of wat i wan as a person. The prof is reali a smart and humble man, i respect this ideas. The ideas of a great man, and yet so humble that he did not even mention of "competing with others, but to compet with one's idea and believe"

Day 1 without being green.

2008-07-27T02:16:00.002+08:00

Today is the 1st day without being green. I saw this show called "tang xin feng bao" it shows a boy n gal blog abt the number of days they had live without each oth.

So i thou of coming up such romantic and sentimal blog on my own. So as to comemorate the relationship i had with GREEN. It was 1 yr and 11 mths that we were togather. But due to my studies and bonds, i had no choice but to leave GREEN.

Saw Green at shopping mall, food court and my arnd my house area. Feel kind of sad, sad that i saw Green on MRT towards Pasir ris, sad that the emotion on Green face was so depressed, so helpless. Hope that i will not see Green, hope that Green will be smiling happi. Hope that my blessing to Green will come thru.

5am..

2008-07-25T04:53:00.001+08:00

nth to do, nth to surf, with back ach and a mood that i am ORD SOON!!

My back...

2008-07-24T22:12:00.003+08:00

My back hurts again today. It was so bad that i cant reali walk, so i ordered a pizza as my breakfast, lunch. Luckily my brother came back and bought my dinner.

Hv no idea why i had this back problem for years le, guess its going to stick wif me. Erm, planing to go n hv a good massage this weekend. Relax my body and mind.

It had been a long time since i had my last masarge, cant wait for it. The relieve of body aches the feeling of "kimochi" hoo, its a no wonder there is so much spa shop arnd in singapore. haha.. Wishin i am being massage rite now... arrrrrrr.......

The rose..

2008-07-24T15:25:00.005+08:00

Its 3.25pm and tml is my ORD date!! Feeling so happi rite now.

But i juz visited someones blog, and i heard the long lost song that i had missed for ages, Its "the rose" I hv no idea y, but that song juz brings my feeling back to emo state. And no idea y i also think of evelyn, sitting there by the com, surfing till mornin, waking up late, din go to sch, ect...

Someone may say love is a river, is a razor, is a hunger, is a flower. No matter what it is, is not physical that can hurt an iron teeth?

River moves on, Razor cuts thru obsticals, hunger is nv empty and flower always blossom the next morning. Hope love is reali like all of them, blossom every single morning :)

tired tired...

2008-07-24T00:21:00.002+08:00

If i can gv a rating for the wideness of my eyes 2day, i will giv 1 out of 5 stars. I am strugging to open my eyes, even now.

Do u wonder y i still blog if i cant even open my eyes? coz my hair is still wet!! k i reali nid to rest. peace~

Wisdom tooth...

2008-07-22T21:27:00.003+08:00

lol.. went for my dental FFI today, and the dentist told me that i had a wisdom tooth!! lol... plus some captive teeth.

Kind of sad thou, but i was happy that i saw such a pretty dentist! lol... actually ever since when i was 4 years old, i am afraid of dental appointments. In the past i would always cry while waiting for my dental appointment!!

Because dental = PAIN, HELL LOT OF PAIN!! but its only when i was in poly then did i realized its becoz of the dentist. Ever since then, i will always go for private dentist, which they will always do it with CARE and DELICATE SKILLS.

But at the end of the day, i still hate dential appointment.

insomia..

2008-07-21T04:54:00.002+08:00

Once and again, i am hit wif an insomia now. Its like 5.00am and i am still awake. Listening to the radio, thinking abt the mob that is coming up, and thinkin ORD!!

Every second, my mind is telling me HANG IN THERE!! and yes i will my dear mind, and i will enjoy the veri last piece of how the ORD feeling is!!

Closing my eyes... Arr..

2008-07-20T01:00:00.004+08:00

Today is another sat. Like all the oth sat, i always love to juz sit arnd and do nth. But the sat today was special. I feel so calm, relaxed and HAPPY~ i am actually smiling now as i am writing this blog.

I feel so light rite not, i feel that if i were to close my eyes now, i can fly to the moon. There is no hate, no frustration in me. Its not like me, and i love the me that is no so me. lol!!

Looking back at things that had happened for my past 2 years, its reali enrichin. It affect my whole life as a person. I took on responsibility that nv hv i imagine i can hold on to. I hv changed so mani ppl's life under my 1 yr of work. I hv seen so many faces of all emotions coming to me. I hv seen thru so many lies that ppl make up juz to cover up things. And i hv been lyin inorder to cover up some of the mistakes tt me and my department does.

It was reali very agonizing at first, its not the amount of work that is frustrating, but the doubts that whether wat u r doing is rite or wrong. Hv u ever been given a role that u hv to make a decision that will affect someone? and there is no one that u could asked advised frm? its like u r nw the judge, but the onli thing is u dun hv a solid ans to wats rite and wats wrong.

Life reali had been a misery to me. There were times at nite i am thinking wat if i am tt person, or will tt person bear any grudge towards me? or will it make into the news?

And guess wat, there was a case that this person's was in the news. I cant reveal much but it was in the article in the straitstime. And i was shock that i receive a call that i may need to be summon to the court. Althou i feel wat i do is rite, but the fear is still in me. The fear tt hw will the person take it, the fear tt am i reali doing the best out of the situation the fear that will ppl noe the meaning and the reason behind all these actions.

Life had been so "magical" so far. On weekends i always act as if i am like any1 else that wants to enjoy and be happi with who i am. But when it comes to weekdays i am back to the position tt i hv to be the "judge" the "boss" the "only one".

To be frank, i reali loves my weekend. I love the feeling of being so free and being a nobody. Since poly days i love to be a nobody, and i do wish to be a normal and simple guy like everyone. I nv wish to be the special one, and one with the responsibility, the one tt all ppl look up to.

But when things happen, and someone hv to take that shi job, i guess u cant do nth but to accept the faith. Althou i reali wish to juz be me, still u hv to think of the bigger picture, the reason the meaning of y all things happen. There is always a reason behind all the things tt r happening rite now.

Nt onli my job, nt onli my feelings, is abt everything in this whole universe. A dog barks for a reason, a worm digs into the sand for a reason, ur mum scolds u for a reason, the one u love leaves u for a reason. Nv blame on oths, nv blame on faith, tts y i hv been doing all these shit jobs, becoz things nids to happen and it has to for that reason. Take a step behind and understand it, then will u onli understand it and relive urself frm it...

- By holy CHUNAN lol!!

my sec sch life..

2008-07-19T16:42:00.017+08:00

well, ytd things juz happen, and the things that happen sparks my sec sch days memories.

Lol... I wanted to say lots on this, but i still think its better left untold and unknown. There is so far only 2 person that knows the story on from my perspective. Both r my poly friends, or shld i say the closer poly friends i had. Ty li shan and deseree! But i strongly feel that they shld hv forgotten wat i told them actually! lol!! but at least i feel so much better when i told them the story.

I went and dig up my old old report book and actually scan this 2 exam report i had!! lol!! this 2 reports reali mean a lot to me. And i reali hv changed even till now i am shock of how i am able to change within a yr, or shld i say 2 yrs. LOL!! memories is reali sweet and funni.

Juz to side track a bit.

Pls see the comment that my form teacher gave me!! Notice the change? lol!!

If only the person know why i am so determine and focussed... Maybe sometimes trying hard is a bad thing afterall. :(

black or white.

2008-07-19T02:48:00.005+08:00

I hv been thinkin thru this at least a million times. And now shall i asked all of u a question. If a black man wants to live in as a white man community, what do you reckon?

1. Ask the black man to make himself look white?
2. Ask the black man to be who he is and try to blend into the white?

I seriously cant make a ans out of it!!
1st. One of my friend told me that there are millions of ways to voice ur opinion out, and it all depends on how sincer u wld wan to construct ur words in. But by doin so r u actually changin on how the sentance shld look like at 1st? so do u reckon him to look like white inorder to blend into white life?

Wat i wanted was actually to let the black be a black, and let ppl accept him as a black but live as a white. The pride and of being who he is, the stand that he shld hv for the reason that he is himself. No one shld hv the rite to decide wherthere r u white or black to live ur life as. U r born as who u r, but u hv the decison on wat u wan to be. I accept who i am, and i will make things happen based on who i am. And not who i wan to be. I love myself, i love being chun'an.

But once and again i understand the need to do things in a graceful manner. To do things the rite way. Thanks for all the comments. I reali take it into heart, and i am trying to balance out in me. Once and again thanks for the words and comments.

I always love cooments, lol!! and now i am side tracking, but... I reali love comments, it makes me a better person, as i will be aware how i can affect oth ppl's feeling and emotion. And i do apologies for being so bad at times or shld i say all the times! lol... But i am a human u noe, i hv my fear, and i will do things to cover up my fear.

Afterall i am a man that loves to look like i am the alpha male. Thanks for all the helps in make a my uni life great! i reali mean it.

Uni Uni Uni...

2008-07-19T02:41:00.003+08:00

Hi Mr Uni,

I am 23 this year male and single! I wish to complete my course here and i wish to hv a fantastic experiance from it.

I noe that its tough and i noe that its hard to excel here, but i definaly wun gv up easily as well.

Its been 2 yrs since i was in green and in service. I hate those life that made me do things that r so 2pid but at the same time hv no power or control to change it. So now its my time here to change and make a life out of wat i wan.

P.S: Hope you dun mind how i feel, but this is wat i wan in my LIFE.

3rd day on leave..

2008-07-17T13:38:00.002+08:00

Its thursday 2day, my 3rd day on leave.

I've been thinking a lot lately, like how will i be once sch start?
Will I still be at MS?
Am i capable of achieving all my goals?
Can i be a successful man in my planned 8yrs later?
Will my investment able to get back from what i had intended?

All these had been running thru my thous every now and then. When i go to town and shop or walk arnd, i always see so much office wear personnel so busy with their life. And i seriously feel that if i were to asked them do you hv a reason being so busy? I will most likely get the ans for money for a better future.

But do you seriously feel and think that juz for money and a better future you are able to commit so much of your time and energy?

As of now, tts now me. I always feel that the only thing can make me so worked up, so engrossed is only one thing in my life. MY AIM, MY GOAL. Not for money not for future. But for my hunger, my hunger to be that ideal person, my hunger to get wat i feel i can be, the hunger that i will not lose, the hunger that i can tell all those ppl that have mocked at me that they shld be the one that they shld be mocked at. The hunger is still there, and i can feel it coming closer and closer to be. Pls dun eat me up my dear hunger.

Frankenstein

2008-07-05T23:55:00.003+08:00

Lol... Its so funni ytd, someone actually is teaching me whats integrity and dignity!! Do you know how hard i need to go thru in my life to learn whats pride, integrity and dignity? and now some Frankenstein mutant is lecturing me on whats call PRIDE, INTEGRITY, DIGNITY?

I took 1 whole year to understand what those 3 words are, and some freak can juz lie this way thru the meaning of the words, bent it and use it on me like this? If only i am abit more stupid, a bit more violent the whole thing wld end up in a veri diff. way.

If next time any freak were to dare tok to me in that way again, i will make sure he gets what he deserve. Cuz the tot of this tt resides in my mind disgussed me, the fact that i am typing it out is such a sick scene that i am so shameful that i even wrote it down and not taken any action towards it.

I am reali sick now...

Nan

Feeling is such a weird thing

as long as majority agreeds its right

Mask that we all have...

Its so happy to see kids laughing.

Holding onto...

2012

trying to cheer up a friend...

Should or should we not try?

quote of the day...

the surging memories haunts the emptiness in the teary eyes

happy and wishes you all the best :)!!!

i love my home :)

tears...

mind block, mind stuck!

a new rise

long long time ago...

culture night was nt bad after all :)

its 30 min to 2010

whats worthy?

i know, but..

I hope I can see..

我的泪流在心里 学会放弃

I was being commented that i'm easily contented

Looking back...

whats the purpose of blogging.

focus!!

The real feelings needs to be touched and felt.

seeds to flower

feeling totallt like a loser!!

feeling the kicks...

life is reali a messed

2 faces...

u can bring the cow to the water, but its the cow that decides whether to drink or not

I HATE MYSELF!!

Dragon ball!!

war of the 1 small poplation vs 2 larges population.

3 cases 2 weeks n now 1 incredible tales

hopeless helpless..

Singout 09

confussed and confussed...

tennis 3mths ago...

calculator week = cocker-na-den week

random

Nan's study table DISCLOSED

hard disk crash. memories lost.

Geting older.

Batam 2008

A day in NTU

i look so GAY!!

this world is crazy!

Found the pic tt i wan

count dwn to D-day

55 marks..

1 more A into my collection

its always a joy thinkin back..

feeling sinful!

VIDEO!!!

cock ups!!

1st test in Uni, 1st A in Uni

Looking back...

Happy happy n still happy~~

Toilte in HK

Those were the days...

Time For relaxation n world of sins...

I GIVE UP!!!

A tough day everyday~

A weird time a weird world.

Little bad things can help u gain more stuff...

...

My sch = hell + liar

who am i?

the light in halls...

Mixed feelings

journey to the center of the earth

Does faith show us our paths?

Notes Notes Notes...

Mr Hall 10.

Shld be there..

Beijing Olymics...

我的泪流在心里学会放弃