TP today!!

Having my TP in abt 2 hrs time, i feel so excited yet so scare. Scare that i fail again!!

Was kind of sad now, wanted to find someone to tok to. So that i can calm myself down, or at least to stop me from hving the negertive feeling that i will fail. But the problem is there is no one!! all seems so bz, onli left me and myself so free and so scare of the uncertain future. Reali hate this feeling, this feeling of uncertaincy. Its been so long since i feel so uncertain, its been yrs since i hv no idea wat to do. Its like u r standing infront of the a crowd and u dun even noe where to put ur hand.

I feel so shameful of me not knowin wat to do. Be a man, and take the LEAD!! pls.

A new laptop!

Hoho!! gt a new acer laptop!! haha.. nowadays i reali dun care abt brand anymore, as long as its good = MINE!! well this laptop come wif HD 14.1" screen, 4G Ram and 2.56Ghz core 2 dual. I feel i spent a bit too much u noe.

As in i have a Quat-core CPU at home with an 24" screen + cutting edge graphics card and processor alreadi. Still i am not statified but to get such an high end laptop again. Haiz... IF onli i were to get my laptop in the 1st place instead of the cutting edge technology CPU i wld feel so much better. Now i am hving 5k less coz of wat i spent. ITS ALL MY MONEY!! HEART PAIN>>>

day 4 without greeny

Mon Nite, warm

Saw xuan's comment that i shld not look back at those days with greeny and carry on my life as a new chapter. U noe sometimes when u life wif something for so long tt u juz cant help thinking back?

LOL!!! sry, i nid to be sentimental ya. It has been the 4th day, and only then did i receive my offical life(MY PINKY!) to start things fresh. Looking back at those days, its like been living in a well. A well that had kept me from the outside world, a world tt i feel it belongs to me but yet being taken away from me forcefully. Althou i will miss the well once a while, but i think i will spent most of the time cursing and swearing at the biggest fami"LY" here in my country. coz i simply dislike their way of taking care things in this famiLY here.

the 3rd day without green

Sunday, midntie

Its 4am now, and i am still awake. No one online, no good music on the radio, no more things for me to worry, no more stress.

Feeling sort of happy, but a bit useless. U noe, there is times that u wan to do something, but there is simply nth for u to do? that sort of useless feeling? is not those type that u feel helpless that u cant make something out of ur life, but those feeling that u noe this period of abt a few weeks u reali hv nth to do but to do nth? sounds chim?

guess life is so unpredictable, as in u cant plan out ur life at times. Things juz happen, and u gt nth left in u but to submit to it. To accept tt this is wat others called faith. Guess there is reali some times that i hv to admin that i am juz a normal human being. I hv my weakness and i hv my feelings. I am made of flesh n blood, i am a complicated creature that is able to make something out of nth. Able make nth out of something that is so useful as well. I can make a building out in the desert, i can also make a beauty rain forest a huge grave yard.

I heard this saying today, by some prof. in the US that had juz recently passed away. He told his student in his lecture named "the last lecture" and there is infact a book called "the last lecture" by him. He did mention wat i state above, that he too is juz a human, there is things that he had completed and achieve and things that he can only "dream" that he can do it.

He once state in his lecture that life is like playing cards. U cant change the card that u are being deal with, but u can change the way u play with it. I find this phase very meaningful.

There is another thing that he mention that i was so enlighten with. He says: " in life there is many obsticals, and all these obsticals r like bricks, they r there to stop ppl. And in life,ppl wld want to achieve lots and even tons of achievements. But if u reali wan to get something, u wld do watever it takes to accomplish it, no matter how hard it is. Then these bricks that we mention so far are obsticals to stop those ppl tt r fighting with u for the achievements u wan, and not there to stop u.

Guess by the end of the day, i am still a child, a kid. I always want to do something great by thinking and planning so many stuff. But listenin to his "obstical" i feel that, i am still not so determine enuff in my life. Because i still treat obsticals as bricks that wld stop me, and not others. Maybe if one day i feel that bricks r meant to stop others, then will i feel that i hv reached the ideal starting state of wat i wan as a person. The prof is reali a smart and humble man, i respect this ideas. The ideas of a great man, and yet so humble that he did not even mention of "competing with others, but to compet with one's idea and believe"

Day 1 without being green.

Today is the 1st day without being green. I saw this show called "tang xin feng bao" it shows a boy n gal blog abt the number of days they had live without each oth.

So i thou of coming up such romantic and sentimal blog on my own. So as to comemorate the relationship i had with GREEN. It was 1 yr and 11 mths that we were togather. But due to my studies and bonds, i had no choice but to leave GREEN.

Saw Green at shopping mall, food court and my arnd my house area. Feel kind of sad, sad that i saw Green on MRT towards Pasir ris, sad that the emotion on Green face was so depressed, so helpless. Hope that i will not see Green, hope that Green will be smiling happi. Hope that my blessing to Green will come thru.

5am..

nth to do, nth to surf, with back ach and a mood that i am ORD SOON!!

My back...

My back hurts again today. It was so bad that i cant reali walk, so i ordered a pizza as my breakfast, lunch. Luckily my brother came back and bought my dinner.

Hv no idea why i had this back problem for years le, guess its going to stick wif me. Erm, planing to go n hv a good massage this weekend. Relax my body and mind.

It had been a long time since i had my last masarge, cant wait for it. The relieve of body aches the feeling of "kimochi" hoo, its a no wonder there is so much spa shop arnd in singapore. haha.. Wishin i am being massage rite now... arrrrrrr.......

The rose..

Its 3.25pm and tml is my ORD date!! Feeling so happi rite now.

But i juz visited someones blog, and i heard the long lost song that i had missed for ages, Its "the rose" I hv no idea y, but that song juz brings my feeling back to emo state. And no idea y i also think of evelyn, sitting there by the com, surfing till mornin, waking up late, din go to sch, ect...

Someone may say love is a river, is a razor, is a hunger, is a flower. No matter what it is, is not physical that can hurt an iron teeth?

River moves on, Razor cuts thru obsticals, hunger is nv empty and flower always blossom the next morning. Hope love is reali like all of them, blossom every single morning :)

tired tired...

If i can gv a rating for the wideness of my eyes 2day, i will giv 1 out of 5 stars. I am strugging to open my eyes, even now.

Do u wonder y i still blog if i cant even open my eyes? coz my hair is still wet!! k i reali nid to rest. peace~

Wisdom tooth...

lol.. went for my dental FFI today, and the dentist told me that i had a wisdom tooth!! lol... plus some captive teeth.

Kind of sad thou, but i was happy that i saw such a pretty dentist! lol... actually ever since when i was 4 years old, i am afraid of dental appointments. In the past i would always cry while waiting for my dental appointment!!

Because dental = PAIN, HELL LOT OF PAIN!! but its only when i was in poly then did i realized its becoz of the dentist. Ever since then, i will always go for private dentist, which they will always do it with CARE and DELICATE SKILLS.

But at the end of the day, i still hate dential appointment.

insomia..

Once and again, i am hit wif an insomia now. Its like 5.00am and i am still awake. Listening to the radio, thinking abt the mob that is coming up, and thinkin ORD!!

Every second, my mind is telling me HANG IN THERE!! and yes i will my dear mind, and i will enjoy the veri last piece of how the ORD feeling is!!

Closing my eyes... Arr..

Today is another sat. Like all the oth sat, i always love to juz sit arnd and do nth. But the sat today was special. I feel so calm, relaxed and HAPPY~ i am actually smiling now as i am writing this blog.

I feel so light rite not, i feel that if i were to close my eyes now, i can fly to the moon. There is no hate, no frustration in me. Its not like me, and i love the me that is no so me. lol!!

Looking back at things that had happened for my past 2 years, its reali enrichin. It affect my whole life as a person. I took on responsibility that nv hv i imagine i can hold on to. I hv changed so mani ppl's life under my 1 yr of work. I hv seen so many faces of all emotions coming to me. I hv seen thru so many lies that ppl make up juz to cover up things. And i hv been lyin inorder to cover up some of the mistakes tt me and my department does.

It was reali very agonizing at first, its not the amount of work that is frustrating, but the doubts that whether wat u r doing is rite or wrong. Hv u ever been given a role that u hv to make a decision that will affect someone? and there is no one that u could asked advised frm? its like u r nw the judge, but the onli thing is u dun hv a solid ans to wats rite and wats wrong.

Life reali had been a misery to me. There were times at nite i am thinking wat if i am tt person, or will tt person bear any grudge towards me? or will it make into the news?

And guess wat, there was a case that this person's was in the news. I cant reveal much but it was in the article in the straitstime. And i was shock that i receive a call that i may need to be summon to the court. Althou i feel wat i do is rite, but the fear is still in me. The fear tt hw will the person take it, the fear tt am i reali doing the best out of the situation the fear that will ppl noe the meaning and the reason behind all these actions.

Life had been so "magical" so far. On weekends i always act as if i am like any1 else that wants to enjoy and be happi with who i am. But when it comes to weekdays i am back to the position tt i hv to be the "judge" the "boss" the "only one".

To be frank, i reali loves my weekend. I love the feeling of being so free and being a nobody. Since poly days i love to be a nobody, and i do wish to be a normal and simple guy like everyone. I nv wish to be the special one, and one with the responsibility, the one tt all ppl look up to.

But when things happen, and someone hv to take that shi job, i guess u cant do nth but to accept the faith. Althou i reali wish to juz be me, still u hv to think of the bigger picture, the reason the meaning of y all things happen. There is always a reason behind all the things tt r happening rite now.

Nt onli my job, nt onli my feelings, is abt everything in this whole universe. A dog barks for a reason, a worm digs into the sand for a reason, ur mum scolds u for a reason, the one u love leaves u for a reason. Nv blame on oths, nv blame on faith, tts y i hv been doing all these shit jobs, becoz things nids to happen and it has to for that reason. Take a step behind and understand it, then will u onli understand it and relive urself frm it...

- By holy CHUNAN lol!!

my sec sch life..

well, ytd things juz happen, and the things that happen sparks my sec sch days memories.

Lol... I wanted to say lots on this, but i still think its better left untold and unknown. There is so far only 2 person that knows the story on from my perspective. Both r my poly friends, or shld i say the closer poly friends i had. Ty li shan and deseree! But i strongly feel that they shld hv forgotten wat i told them actually! lol!! but at least i feel so much better when i told them the story.

I went and dig up my old old report book and actually scan this 2 exam report i had!! lol!! this 2 reports reali mean a lot to me. And i reali hv changed even till now i am shock of how i am able to change within a yr, or shld i say 2 yrs. LOL!! memories is reali sweet and funni.

Juz to side track a bit.

Pls see the comment that my form teacher gave me!! Notice the change? lol!!

If only the person know why i am so determine and focussed... Maybe sometimes trying hard is a bad thing afterall. :(

black or white.

I hv been thinkin thru this at least a million times. And now shall i asked all of u a question. If a black man wants to live in as a white man community, what do you reckon?

1. Ask the black man to make himself look white?
2. Ask the black man to be who he is and try to blend into the white?

I seriously cant make a ans out of it!!
1st. One of my friend told me that there are millions of ways to voice ur opinion out, and it all depends on how sincer u wld wan to construct ur words in. But by doin so r u actually changin on how the sentance shld look like at 1st? so do u reckon him to look like white inorder to blend into white life?

Wat i wanted was actually to let the black be a black, and let ppl accept him as a black but live as a white. The pride and of being who he is, the stand that he shld hv for the reason that he is himself. No one shld hv the rite to decide wherthere r u white or black to live ur life as. U r born as who u r, but u hv the decison on wat u wan to be. I accept who i am, and i will make things happen based on who i am. And not who i wan to be. I love myself, i love being chun'an.

But once and again i understand the need to do things in a graceful manner. To do things the rite way. Thanks for all the comments. I reali take it into heart, and i am trying to balance out in me. Once and again thanks for the words and comments.

I always love cooments, lol!! and now i am side tracking, but... I reali love comments, it makes me a better person, as i will be aware how i can affect oth ppl's feeling and emotion. And i do apologies for being so bad at times or shld i say all the times! lol... But i am a human u noe, i hv my fear, and i will do things to cover up my fear.

Afterall i am a man that loves to look like i am the alpha male. Thanks for all the helps in make a my uni life great! i reali mean it.

Uni Uni Uni...

Hi Mr Uni,

I am 23 this year male and single! I wish to complete my course here and i wish to hv a fantastic experiance from it.

I noe that its tough and i noe that its hard to excel here, but i definaly wun gv up easily as well.

Its been 2 yrs since i was in green and in service. I hate those life that made me do things that r so 2pid but at the same time hv no power or control to change it. So now its my time here to change and make a life out of wat i wan.

P.S: Hope you dun mind how i feel, but this is wat i wan in my LIFE.

3rd day on leave..

Its thursday 2day, my 3rd day on leave.

I've been thinking a lot lately, like how will i be once sch start?
Will I still be at MS?
Am i capable of achieving all my goals?
Can i be a successful man in my planned 8yrs later?
Will my investment able to get back from what i had intended?

All these had been running thru my thous every now and then. When i go to town and shop or walk arnd, i always see so much office wear personnel so busy with their life. And i seriously feel that if i were to asked them do you hv a reason being so busy? I will most likely get the ans for money for a better future.

But do you seriously feel and think that juz for money and a better future you are able to commit so much of your time and energy?

As of now, tts now me. I always feel that the only thing can make me so worked up, so engrossed is only one thing in my life. MY AIM, MY GOAL. Not for money not for future. But for my hunger, my hunger to be that ideal person, my hunger to get wat i feel i can be, the hunger that i will not lose, the hunger that i can tell all those ppl that have mocked at me that they shld be the one that they shld be mocked at. The hunger is still there, and i can feel it coming closer and closer to be. Pls dun eat me up my dear hunger.

Frankenstein

Lol... Its so funni ytd, someone actually is teaching me whats integrity and dignity!! Do you know how hard i need to go thru in my life to learn whats pride, integrity and dignity? and now some Frankenstein mutant is lecturing me on whats call PRIDE, INTEGRITY, DIGNITY?

I took 1 whole year to understand what those 3 words are, and some freak can juz lie this way thru the meaning of the words, bent it and use it on me like this? If only i am abit more stupid, a bit more violent the whole thing wld end up in a veri diff. way.


If next time any freak were to dare tok to me in that way again, i will make sure he gets what he deserve. Cuz the tot of this tt resides in my mind disgussed me, the fact that i am typing it out is such a sick scene that i am so shameful that i even wrote it down and not taken any action towards it.

I am reali sick now...